Men complain that women lie about their age and weight in dating profiles, but it turns out that men do it, too.
I met a man for lunch today who claimed to be a professor of a prestigious university (very prestigious, he reminded me several times). Prior to meeting, he wrote me a couple of effusive emails indicating his interest (in my mind, of course), and I at first chalked up the hyperbolic gushing to his being Italian. I accepted a lunch date at a nearby soup & salad restaurant.
Although I would diagnose him as a bit narcissistic, he was really, really entertaining. Despite the fact that his ego was only exceeded by his vanity. Some would tease me that it was amazing the two of us could fit in the same room.
This man was really smooth. Really disarming. Charming. Boyish. Unctuous. Complimentary. Open and revealing about so many things.
Early on in the conversation, I asked him what year he graduated from high school, since, according to the profile of his age (53), he would have been around the same class as one of my older sisters.
He hesitated, then told me he had a confession to make. He asked, “How old do I look?” I said, “I dunno…mid 50s I guess?”
He said, “I’m 65!”
I said, eyebrows raised, “You look good.”
He said, “That’s the ONLY thing I have lied about….” I sympathized that it was a tyranny to have to reveal your exact age on personal ads, and that I would prefer an age range myself. He seemed to have a pretty good justification for lying about his age, and I said, “You confessed. You don’t feel good about lying about it. So, don’t lie about it.”
He talked about how many books he had read (thousands? millions?) his shotgun wedding at the age of 25 when he was in grad school, his loveless marriage (read: no sex); his rise to fame and fortune, how lonely he was for a woman (read: to get laid), how many dates he’d had online (read: to get laid), how empty his life was despite his great success, books, wealth, fame….(read: wants to get laid).
I nodded in sympathy, commented on a few things (which made him laugh); he said I was a little bit intimidating. He said, “I think you are smarter than me, but I can live with that if you can.”
He said women use pictures that are 5 years old and 20 pounds thinner. That they misrepresent themselves and he had only met one woman he saw more than the first date.
He said he could have slept with any number of the dozens of women he had met online so far, but he was holding out.
I asked, “Holding out for what?”
He said, “Holding out for the one. You know. The ONE!”
I don’t think I believe him.
He told me he had an affair 12 years ago and his wife punished him. Never let him forget it. He was still in the midst of a divorce.
I said, “That sounds complicated.”
He said, “You seem so worldly, so wise. You are too smart.”
I said, “If you want casual sex, you should make that clear up front. There may be lots of women who will take you up on it.”
Then he asked asked, “Do you want to go home with me this afternoon?”
I laughed. Said, “No, I don’t think so.”
He told me:
“I want to find a woman to spoil, to cherish.”
“If you married me, I’d buy you any car in the world you want!”
((I thought, Hmmmm….BMW730i here I come?))
“Let me see your hands. You have such nice hands… Your pictures don’t do you justice. You are much cuter in person…you are so smart, what is your IQ, 150?”
He bought me lunch and talked for two hours – I said hardly a word. I swear. After I had to leave to get home before school let out, he told me what a great time he had, of course (it was probably the first time someone who wasn’t his student listened intently for 2 hours), he asked me if we could go car shopping and I could test drive the new Malibu.
When he walked me to my car, he gave me a kiss goodbye (with, unfortunately, a little tongue), and then brushed my chest slightly (I was wearing a coat, but still) and it was NOT an accident.
When I told Lisa she said to me, “Oh great. You got groped in the parking lot of Panera in the middle of the day by a Senior Citizen!”
Maybe I’ll let him buy me dinner some day just for the fodder.
I originally designed my online dating profile as a parody to see if I could attract a man with at least a sense of humor. The ad elicited some confused responses, but one candidate in particular caught my eye because of his deferential courtesy and careful editing. He seemed extraordinarily polite. We exchanged e-mails for two weeks, covering some of our mutual interests, histories, and expectations.
